The things you wish you knew about me…

Do you ever get writer’s block? I’m no JK Rowling but sometimes I just can’t think for love nor money, and so my little blog gets neglected.

I scroll the internet for inspiration; what is there that I could write about? I always see the same topics again and again

“Top fitness routines” – mine involves a sofa and fucking big bag of chilli sensation crisps

“Books you must have on your shelf” – I only need one. My bible, ‘How To Be A Diva’ by the one and only Gemma Collins

“What is your bedtime routine” – what do you fucking think? Get into bed and sleep. Fucking hell.

What I’m getting at is that most of the things that I see people blogging about are fucking boring, and very uninteresting to me. I really can’t blog about a fitness routine that I don’t have, or the contents of a bookshelf that doesn’t exist.

So I just do me. Then I thought, what don’t people know about me?

Well if you read my blog, I feel you know quite a lot, I have post after post about me and my funny little life, and there must be something interesting there because you’re reading now aren’t you? Either that or you’re a creep and you need to piss off.

So you know I’m from Manchester, I spent a lot of time in Barbados when I was younger, I have a great family, gorgeous friends and I’m a clearly a fucking comedian.

I’m loud. Loud as loud as a fog horn. Remember seeing a group of girls and there’s one who just seems to shout and you already know you think she’s a twat? Well that’s me.

I’m brassy, and I’ll let the dictionary paint a picture of what that means:

“Sounding like a brass musical instrument; harsh and loud”.

That’s me.

But underneath my “in your face” exterior, I guess I’m very different, and not many people realise because I’m too busy shouting them down. Everyone has secrets and things people don’t know about them even if it seems like they have just yelled their life history at you.

So here’s a rundown of some of the things that might get lost under my usual noise:

I take everything in that people say to me, I hold on to every word and process everything people say to me and pull it apart.

I will remember everything you’ve ever said to me good or bad. So lord, if you lie to me please hope you never forget what you said because I’ll know every detail for years to come – and I’ll probably call you out on it.

I’m sensitive and wear my heart on my sleeve. My mum says I get that from my Grandma. Maybe that’s why I fall for people’s bullshit, I’m very honest and upfront and tend to think everyone will be like that.

I have a great party trick; I can name every state in America. Shove your weird double jointed tricks and necking bottles of wine in 6 seconds up your arse, this is way better.

I’ve always wanted to learn sign language, and though I’ve enquired about classes, I really need to just pull my finger out and just go for it!

I would love to be in a relationship with somebody, yes I’m a beg! But I would love to be with someone that understands my shit humour and appreciates me as a person, whether we’re off partying or sitting in our pants playing The Sims. I don’t really think I’ve had a relationship like that before. One guy I dated actually said I wasn’t funny? I’m sure he’s now in a ward because he’s fucked in the head.

When I’m comfortable with people, I am REALLY touchy feely. Before I’m comfortable though you have no need to worry, but as soon as you step over that mark watch out because I’ll be laughing and touching your arm like I’m obsessed with you.

I will never be obsessed with you don’t worry, but I am obsessed with shopping.

I am constantly sat on my phoning scrolling up and down Missguided with a basket currently full of £1049 worth of stuff I’m never going to buy. Temptation is a bitch though, 9 times out of 10 I’ll end up getting a little something.

My dream job is to be a social media influencer. I’m not even lying!!! It sounds so sad to write that, because I know people would laugh! I would LOVE to do YouTube videos or even just be on Gogglebox! I can dream yeah? Just get me in the public eye and I’ll take care of the rest.

Horror movies, I HATE THEM. I don’t understand what satanatic person would get enjoyment from watching a film that is going to make them cry every night before they sleep? I remember I watched Orphan and my soul got dragged out my body over and over again for weeks afterwards, that was it, I made my decision that my horror movie watching days were over.

I’m so close to my mum, but it’s not always been this way. Growing up we weren’t really all that close, I was too interested in my friends than my family. Now I call my mum every day, and tell her every detail of my day – sometimes I call 3 times a day. So, if you’ve ever told me a secret, spoke to me like shit, or got drunk and done something stupid please be assured Jan knows the lot.

I am constantly told I have ADHD, I have been told this my whole life. I’ve never gone to see a professional about this because I’m probably just an attention seeking fucker, which I can accept easily.

And finally, you’ve heard that famous line but I think it describes me really well … I’m a jack of all trades and master of none! It describes me to a T.

That’s all I’m willing to share, you’ll just have to keep reading my blog to find out a little more.

Lizi xx

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