Online dating, jeeeeeez.
Bless me readers for I have sinned, I’m an online dating hoe.
You download Tinder on the sly so nobody thinks you’re desperate, upload your hottest pictures and put a bio that’s going to set you apart from the rest. That’s right, Lizi has waded into the online dating world and you’re going to fucking swipe right.
Here I am.
Swipe right for me.
Super like me.
I’m a fucking beg.
I don’t have a funny dating story, or a scary one, or anything in-between. My dating track record is pretty bare.
Obviously I get asked out on dates (I don’t blame these boys), but I never really go, because despite the online persona I’m actually a lazy bitch who can’t be arsed getting dressed nice to go and see someone I know nothing about. How about that for a shit episode of Catfish?
I honestly just enjoy that little bit of attention you get when John from Salford, who let me add – is FUCK ugly… super likes you.
I still get a buzz.
So if you don’t know much about online dating, holla me. I won’t give you dating advice but I can give you advice so your profile is popping.
I know all the pictures you need – the ones when you look 3 stone lighter.
I know the bio you can use so people think you’re dead funny – even if in ‘real’ life you’re a boring bitch.
Sometimes all you got to do in this crazy little world is fib all the way through. A little white lie, be a little economical with the truth.
Unfortunately, between the ego boosts that Tinder can give us, there are the freaks. And believe me, there are a lot of them.
“OMG u 2 hot 2 b on here, hw u singel?”
“Lizi lets get busy”
“you look so cool and I want to do love with you all night have you done that before?”
“apart from bad taste in everything what else is interesting about you?”
“hi” “you alive x” “hey” “morning xx” “good afternoon xx” “ you alive? Xxxx”
“You know in ancient times, guys used to go to war over women as beautiful as you xx”
But you know, if you can look past the freaks, there might be a good looking guy.
And if you do end up finding the courage to go a meet a good looking guy that swiped right on you and didn’t seem totally mental at first, then within half an hour they’ll turn out to be fucking boring, absolutely spangled party heads, or just total melts.
Surprisingly none of those appeal to me, I don’t know about you.
One day I shall retire from an illustrious career in the online dating, but until then, keep swiping right sweeties.